Trust

Last night, trust became very important in my relationship with Sensei. We were at Xtreme Games in Lindenhurst and a conversation I had with Chad began to make me panic. He and I had talked about how when the school year started, I wouldn't be able to talk to Sensei as long at night so that I could talk to him. When I said that if that was the case, then on the nights we had to we just wouldn't talk, he became angry at me for supposedly choosing Sensei over him. His frustration at how much I talk to Sensei also caused me to have misgivings over whether Sensei truly wanted me as his daughter.

By the time I got to Xtreme Games I was pretty irrational and began apologizing to Sensei for needing so much from him. I began to say that I thought I should go away and just let him get back to living his life when he cut me off. He told me first of all that he loved me, and also revealed that when talking about me or introducing me to someone he refers to me as "my adopted daughter, Misha". That completely blew me away, and embarrassed me a little, but sure enough when an old friend dropped back into Xtreme Games later that night, Sensei introduced me as his daughter. Secondly, he expressed a wish that he had met me when I was still a teen. He said that had I been his student when I was still a minor, he and Master Eric would have reported my parents and he would have gone through the legal adoption process, something that is impossible now.

I worked with Sensei on Brush-Trap-Strike again last night, and I am proud to say my awareness of events that warrant that maneuver has increased, as has the speed with which I execute the maneuver. I am having much greater success with how quickly I can get my opponent into an arm bar as well.

The noise level at Xtreme Games was getting to me, so Sensei walked me over to 7-11 and bought me some candy to bring up my tanking blood sugar. When we got back it was time to start the game.

I GM'ed for the first time last night and it was going quite well, until all of a sudden my whole body ached like you wouldn't believe. Sensei cradled me and checked my forehead. He said I was warm, and given the pain and dizziness I was having I should just call off the session early. I tried to continue them through another room or two but it got to be way too much and I had to just let Blaine comfort me.

I learned about trust last night. My body was so tired I was literally just laying in Sensei's arms. I was also sensitive to light and sound, so I found myself with my eyes closed, and not responding to inquiries about what was going on. This takes an amazing amount of trust. I was trusting Sensei to hold and comfort me, to watch for danger and become my eyes and ears so I could rest, and to speak for me and be my voice.

With someone as independent as I am, that is really difficult. It takes a lot for me to admit I need that kind of help. As I got older, my parents could never understand my need for this sort of affection and often criticized me for it, so I was afraid to ask Sensei.  But I did and I was comfortable with Sensei giving it to me. <3

More soon,

Misha